I stopped shopping at Topman
because I'm not a top man anymore,
and the models in there are selling me two things:
a product and confidence;
those industrial A1 pieces of advertising are there to say,
here, have this new vest and handful of confidence.
Now, I don't have the physique for a vest just yet, instead I have a full set of tent poles that, once assembled, kind of make up the outline of a man who knows what he's doing,
but I will have your confidence.
Topman, you have inspired me to walk outdoors in brisk and dangerous winter weather warnings in just a pair of stretch skinny jeans and a matching t-shirt, part of the 2-for-£12 offer.
Topman, you have showed me that a tucked in black vest and pair of corduroy trousers with matching pork pie hat is fashion.
Topman, the next time I'll see you is when I have a son, when we walk in together and I say,
don't worry, it's just a phase.